We got asked via Facebook how to convert business acumen into social success.
“there's a girl who makes me coffee everyday that won't give me the time of day. I know that she'd take interest if she knew about what I do but I don't want to come off as cocky.”
Here is what we told him…
This is a great question and the answer has a few dimensions to it in my opinion.
Just like life, you need to look at this situation from all perspectives. Only then will you develop a fully justified answer.
So I will touch on inner game concept, outer game and her own perspective.
Inner game: one’s belief systems, self esteem, emotional state etc
Outer game: how one demonstrates confidence and controls their frame
Frame: The combination of how you feel and how you behave
First of all, social success comes from adding value through a strong frame. The concept of adding value quite literally means your presence alone is vibrant, attractive and simply amazing to be around... think Tony Robbins, Richard Branson, Jack Derossa. If they walked in to this café, how would they behave, conduct themselves. How would they command, not demand, positive attention.
There are 6 pillars of value:
· Presence (in the moment); not being in your own head
· Well Groomed; dressed well, hair nice and tidy
· Smile; even if you have to fake it
· Connection; eye contact and active listening
· Sense of Humour; make them laugh and be relaxed
· Centre of Attention; position yourself to lead others
How can you do all of these at the same time? By following your frame of strength and happiness. That will be set and then like a magnet of positivity it will draw people toward you. .
Now, are you trying to win her over instead of her trying to win you over? You're falling for her frame. You want to be the prize rather than someone who seeks validation.
Now look at the situation of her working at a café. From her perspective you can understand what your move will be.
You run your own ship right? Perhaps you've forgotten what it's like to have a job that isn't fulfilling and doesn’t pay well? It's certainly not as fun as it looks so go out of your way to make her day because honestly she will love you for it.
How do you make her day?
She might be shy! If so, a different social calibration is necessary. She may be stressed or just too plain busy for conversation. All of these could be the reason you’re not succeeding in your attempt to get the time of day. Humour is always a great tool and my favourite outer game technique is to ask/say "hmm what tea or coffee she likes best between say cappuccino and flat white" and when she says flat white you purposefully order the opposite. This will make her laugh and convey a level of cheeky humour that goes a long way when faced with a limited time constraint. In the end you should always be aiming for a reaction.
If you’re really struggling for a grasp of what makes her tick then go for broke. Hold out your phone and ask what she's doing this weekend. At the end of the day, as Michelle Briggs famous one liner says JFDI… Just Fucking Do It!
Special mention to Nick Lorenzen for his insights when developing this post